Jana (adelviento) wrote in sacrificium,

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Tonight was very difficult for me. I seem to be getting worse and worse, day by day. Tonight it seemed there were constant reminders of my struggles with erotophobia. I went to watch my father bowl with his team and everywhere I turned there were crotches... it made me feel sick to my stomach and I wanted to scream, and knowing I couldn't scream, I wanted to cut myself, instead. At the time it seemed like it was the only way I could possibly deal with it, but even that can't be done in the middle of a bowling alley. Then the tears started to come to my eyes and I dealt with surpressing those, as well.

I began to wonder why everyone insists so much on wearing pants that emphasize their crotches, both women and men. Doesn't anyone care that they're allowing everyone a good view of what should be kept private? It doesn't seem that way. It reminds me constantly that I am doing the very same thing, and then I begin to think I should only wear skirts from now on and that skirts should become the norm again. It makes me so sad that women now wear jeans so form-fitting that there are no secrets left. Perhaps wearing pants as a sexual revolution was meant to free us from sexual bondage, but what do we achieve in wearing pants so tightly that we may as well be naked? It puts us right back into sexual bondage where we're only thought of as sexual objects. I can't stand it.

I'm really nevous about going home... my boyfriend will want to have sex. In fact, he will want to cram the last month's worth of sex into the first day that I am back in the country, and it will be completely miserable for me... How can I even begin to explain that to him without him being either hurt, offended, or angry?

I know that my fear of sexuality is unhealthy... I know that I am struggling with some fairly large issues right now. That's the entire point. I created this community not just for other people, but also for myself. I'm scared.
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